Saturday, February 12, 2011

A State of Mind

Crossroads. No. A T-junction is more like it. You know. Options. Choices. Decisions. Don't like 'em very much. I thought I was set on what to do with my life. I was .. most of them, for now.

Career. Adaptable. Plus, I have nowhere to run unless I'm open to paying a hundred odd thousands to the company which sponsored my bachelor's degree. Family. I have a super loving and protective parents and a close knit family. I'm contented. Social life. I don't think I need to say much about this. I'm exhausted with the never ending agenda but I'm not complaining. Relationship. Well ..

What can I say? The most important element to have is now gone. I was taken aback by what had happened because I totally didn't see it coming. How am I to continue going down this path? Too bad I'm not like 100% smitten else I would have brushed it off and create a million reasons to cover his ass like any love sick puppy would (although I did try to .. for a couple of months).

Shit happens. The thing is, when it happened, coincidently at that nick of time, life somehow took its own toll and changed my life destiny. Or so it seems. And I've been following the flow ever since. Whether or not it's a better option, I wouldn't know but as for now, at this moment as I'm typing away, it couldn't have been any better.

I have learnt to not stereotype people. The decent ones can be as deceiving, if not more, as the bad asses out there. The thing to look out for and be more wary of is actually the former because you never expect it to jump on you and trust me, when it does, you just couldn't comfort yourself by saying "Not surprised" or "I saw that coming".

I rant a lot yet I still don't know what I want. I mean I do know what I want but I seriously think I have some issues with my assertiveness. So easily influenced wan cis. And soft-hearted too.

I hope those of you reading this won't conclude something out of nothing just because of what you hear about me and start spreading rumours, thank you very much. If you want to speculate, be my guest, just do me a favour and keep your damn mouth to yourself. I'm sick of all the dramas and all your noses poking into my life.

Sigh. Wish I could go back to being a student where life is way simpler. And I could be younger too.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

heyz...u alright?

Anonymous said...

Erica,

Saying you totally did not see it coming is a poor excuse. The signs were all there - you just chose to ignore them. He was not one hundred percent free from blame, but neither were you.

When you really sit down and think things through, this is simply because both of you are at different stages in life. He was ready for a long term committed relationship. You are not. It happens.

I have been a follower of your blog for some time now. I will not pretend to know how much you and your now-ex have shared, but from an objective point of view, and reading your posts thus far, it *seems* like you spend much more time being sexy and having fun with other guys who are not him.

You have to wonder if it makes him feel like 'arm candy' while you live your real life.

From an outsiders point of view, it does not look like you are in a relationship at all. You will need to go back and think about what a 'relationship' means to you.

What you expect from a bf, what you expect to give a bf in return, and consider if something went wrong there. I suspect deep down, you already know that both parties are to blame.

Its childish to push the blame onto one party. Saying that he is deceptive and that his decision caught you off guard is a thinly veiled jab - We all understand the hurt of ending a relationship, but be honest to yourself. It takes two hands to keep a relationship going, and two hands to end it.

The sooner you accept that you had a hand in the outcome, the sooner you will be able to come to terms with yourself, grow, and move on with more understanding and maybe more smarts.

Before you erupt with anger and spam me with porn subscriptions, let me just state that I don't have a bone to pick with you - i would say this to anyone who is blaming solely one party for the outcome.

far east movement

eRiCa said...

anonymous #1: i'm alright. things can be fixed .. :)

anonymous #2: thanks for your lengthy, nonjudgmental comment but i think u totally, completely misunderstood my post ..

Anonymous said...

let me quote you on something. "I'm sick of all the dramas and all your noses poking into my life."

Dear eRiCa, if you do not want drama and people poking noses into your private life, then please don't put sensitive details of a relationship on a public blog.

also, being glamorous and having a happening social life may be what you want from life, but every relationship is actually about working out a compromise that both people are comfortable with.

maybe you will remember this in the next guy you choose to share your life with.

eRiCa said...

maybe i still naively harbor hopes that people would mind their own business cause that's one of my medium to let it out. you have your point though.

Anonymous said...

I totally feel you Erica. It will get better...someday =)

Chris said...

Hi. Save money and come visit me with the rest of the gang. It will be awesome. Just saying.

Anonymous said...

Agreed with Anonymous that if you do not want to speculate or spread rumours, then don't put your private life on World Wide Web. If you do, then readers will bound to make some conclusions.