Sunday, March 4, 2012

Heart Matters: Why Do Relationships Fail?

I recently wrote quite a bit on common relationship issues – What love is, rebound relationships, the search for Mr Right and moving on from a failed relationship.

Then I realized, I have yet to pen on the common factors behind most failed relationships.

During one of my recent coaching sessions at work, my superior said it is always easier to achieve than to sustain. Working on successful relationship – with our kids, parents, friends or partners – is undeniably one of the most important life skills we should master. If we cannot sustain lasting relationships with the important people in our lives, there will always be an emotional struggle, just to lead a happy life.

There are way too many reasons as to why relationships fail but I believe the factors below form the basis for which every other problem branches out.

People are often clueless about how to love someone. They think they do, but in actual fact, they don’t. The root of that problem begins and ends with you learning to love, not in finding the right person to make u learn. More often than not, we tend to fall in love with one’s personality but at the end of the day, it’s the character that we have to live with, and these two are not similar in many ways. The so-called “love” that gets people together is a shallow, unconscious/conscious vetting between “What I need” and “What he/she can offer”. In other words, love is often judged by that tiny, materialistic voice in us, despite us making ourselves believe otherwise. Alas, when issues arise – for example, as to why can’t he/she be like so-and-so and how did he/she become like that – each will then realize (hopefully) that the real problem is that we are clueless about how to love.

Read here for my write-up on material girls.

I have always thought that relationships die when too much negativity is going on. I thought that anger and conflicts are the cause to a weakened relationships but seriously, that’s not how things work! I came to realize this after several real-life experiences with my current second-half (I wouldn’t call him my better-half because we compliment one another).


The way I handle things is that, during every rough patch in my relationship, I would avoid facing reality. I would resort to the easiest way out – Just give me some space and time and I’ll eventually be okay. But really, that’s not okay at all. If a negative event is not concluded the right way, it will always haunt each party at the back of theirs heads and will be brought up at the next argument and the next and it will keep on rolling until the back of the relationship finally breaks.

So right now I’m learning to be more open to confrontation and talks – to clear any misunderstanding and to understand one another better. I regard this as “relationship therapy”, because at the end of the session, once everything is cleared, I will feel better about myself and about having him as a partner, and vice versa.

Another thing I would like to bring up is trust. Without trust, there can be no enduring relationships I kid you not. Trust is like the foundation of a gigantic pyramid, which, if it’s broken, the pyramid would crumble. It’s like what they always say, a relationship without trust is like an iPod without music .. there’s no point having one.

The magnitude of trust in a relationship is so great that without it, a whole load of problems will start pouring in – jealousy, unnecessary pressure, verbal/physical abuse, domination, picking faults and selfishness. Relationships are not tests, so there’s no reason to cheat at all. Even if you are dying to (because your tweaked brain somehow thinks it’s cool to cheat), cheating is easy-peasy so why don’t you challenge yourself to be faithful instead?

A great and lasting relationship is about working out the similarities and respecting the differences. Learn to compliment one another instead of trying to change the other person.

Quote: Love is cute when it’s new, but it is the most beautiful when it lasts.


Alan Wong said...

Very well said... !

ccc said...

I tried. May be my love was not enough for her.

Love is two-way.

Anonymous said...

Love is one thing,what about how you handle sex issue with your partner.Talk about it.i want to know how as well?

iliya arashi said...

generally we always simultaneously look for the best in people and accept the worst, and so build on the similarities and respect the differences. but it also means accepting that things will remain the same, tolerating certain behaviors and finally accepting less than we actually deserve?