Wednesday, July 17, 2013

The Fear of Commitment

I honestly never thought I would have this little thing called the fear of commitment. I believe in happy fairytale endings and I've always wished for a happy family – one which will not be bogged down by financial worries or lack of love and attention.

As I grow older, I begin to see things from my very own perspective. When I settled down in KL in 2009, my exposure was at its peak - met a lot of people at the few social events I attended. I must say, some gave me quite a bit of a culture shock with their wild lifestyle and partying.

At that time, I thought that people at clubs/alcoholic events were no good, decent good boys were the way to go!

Boy, was I wrong.

In 2010, a guy I was seeing went on a flirting spree behind my back just a few days after we got together. I was caught off-guard because I simply did not see that coming, judging from his decent looks and the fact that we were pretty good friends (we were from the same university) for about 4 years.  

Since then, I had this really major trust issues with men. After dumping that cheater ex, I met this seemingly wild, playful guy at an event. I was afraid of him at first but he managed to prove otherwise. He completely changed my perception and proved that all these first impression and outlook judging thingy are total bullshit.

Because he turned out to be my best boyfriend so far.

But due to some clashes, things didn't work out. Oh well.

Now I’m starting to date again .. but deep inside me, I’m afraid. I’m afraid of bad surprises. My heart is quite fragile one lor. One more bad surprise and I’ll surely get a massive heart attack wtf.

Don’t get me wrong. I do not get cold feet at the thought of committing to one person, nor do I hate thinking about the future of my relationship i.e. marriage. It’s just .. well, that one bad case of cheating ex and heartbreak has left me paranoid since, and it takes a lot for me to overcome that and trust someone again.

Until I am able to overcome this trust issue, I have a tendency to pick on the tiniest matter – basically anything that has gotta do with handling advances and temptations – and will sometimes start an argument purely based on my paranoia.

I just made myself look like I can be a damn difficult girlfriend wtf.

Growing up is tough. I hope I can go back to school and just focus on books lol.


4 comments:

:: Nicole.F :: said...

we have the same issue babe

annaqueen said...

Trust yourself dear,and everything will be alright

;hugs

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ccc said...

i am back to uni full time now after 6 years of working

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